Thursday, August 7, 2014

Today i watched this video and I cried the entire way through.  not like weep weep….like wiping tears every couple of seconds and runny nose.  I want my girls to feel good about themselves because they ARE so beautiful and amazing.   But I have NEVER felt uglier in my life than I do this year.  I've let it become so consuming that I can hardly enjoy my life. I am constantly thinking, "I'm so fat, nothing fits me anymore", "This hair cut looks like a mix between Dora and an Ooompa Loompa".   "I'm getting so old and out of shape", "My lips are getting smaller, nose bigger and eyes wrinklier".   I do believe I have a messed up sense of self  perseption, but I don't know how to change it.  When others give me compliments, I hate it. I feel uncomforatble and I feel like they are ALWAYS lies…no matter who says them. It consumes my thoughts so much that it wears me out and makes it hard to do my hair or make up or get dressed each day.  I DO NOT want my girls to feel this way about themselves.
   Just figured I'd post a real mom moment on here.  90% of my life is cuddles, books, cooking, cleaning and playing cars or fake food….all of the things I love.  But I figured I should also put the way I feel at this time in my life.  Hopefully this short time in my life.  Hopefully with help from my Heavenly Father, and maybe some counceling, I can feel great about myself again.  There are a lot of factors I've tried to blame it on…..Lack of sleep….small husband….LOTS of women with amazing bods (whether they got some surgical help or not) with kids around me out here…A closet full of clothes that are 1-2 sizes to small, thinking a year ago that I'd for sure fit into them by now….photoshopped girls in my magazines….etc….but no matter what< i'm in charge of feeling how I feel about myself…those things should have the control to make me feel like crap about the way I look…but right now…they all do.

1 comment:

Erika said...

Well, thanks a lot! Now I just bawled!! :) Women struggle. It's a really tough world. There are so many expectations for women with regards to beauty and youth. I feel the same way a lot of the times. I think it's because I'm getting older. You are beautiful. You are a beautiful Daughter of God. You are a beautiful mother of five cute kids with many talents. I try to tell myself that society's definition of beauty isn't true beauty...but it's really hard sometimes. I like videos like these that get women/girls thinking and re-evaluating what beauty is and that we are all individual and beautiful and we don't have to fit into a cookie cutter mold. Anyway, thanks for the good reminder! I am sorry you struggle with it. I think more than you think do. And as for your question on my blog, the gap between babies will be six years! Yikes! But we are all very excited. The kids too! They all love babies so it should be fun (after a small adjustment period I am sure...haha!)