Sunday, February 11, 2018

Get myself back

I've been listening to a book called "present over perfect".  I don't recommend it, but it has a few good points, and the first that I took from it was to say no!  Say no to things that overwhelm you and don't give you satisfaction.   Things outside of your two inner circles of people.   Your children, husband, close family and friends.  I think a lot of time, especially being a person that moves A LOT, I feel a need to quickly make my way into people's hearts, no matter who they are, because I probably won't have long to.   But we've been in this house now for a year and a half, which is a long time for us, a nd I'm ready to slow down.  More no's to those outside of my inner circle.  My inner circle is pretty consuming at this season of life and my inner circle is growing up WAYY to fast and I cry about being out of the baby stage of life at least once a week, but Jase assures me, we are done.    I tried to invite more family's over for dinner, go out with other couple's more, attend more girl's lunches and girl's nights, but NONE of these things brought me satisfaction.  They brought me temporary joy and I did have fun getting to know some great new people, but the time that it took away from my inner circle, or the extra stress that it caused me which gave my inner circle a mom that they don't deserve was NOT worth it.   When you say no to one thing, you're saying yes to another. And I have to make sure that my no's to things outside of my circle are creating more valuable yes's for my inner circle.  And likewise, that the yes's that I AM giving outside of my home aren't creating no's for those inside my home.  I've watched a lot of women close to me chose social lives over creating memories and teaching things within the home, and likewise I've seen so many women  that hardly ever attend girl's nights, or girl's trips or even many couple's trips with their spouse to relish the quick years that they have at home with their children. I'm so grateful for those examples that I once judged as being boring or overly committed.     There are SO many distractions for moms to pull us outside of our homes, so many that aren't enriching or inspiring, so many that actually do the opposite, create gossip, complaining about family or even  just fun time that would have still been better spent inside the home.   I'm hoping to have more no's the the things that take away from my important inner circle yes's.
I also took away from the book that we can't shove down that part inside of us as women, that is unique to each of us, that pushes us to become who we want to be.  Paraphrasing, she said, "wear clothes from vintage shops, drive a vespa, plant a garden, do whatever it is that yo've always wanted to do or be!" so many women just push that down and chose to be a mom. And when I thought about what I'd want to be doing right now, there is NOTHING I'd rather be doing than being a mom, but on the side, I do want to dress more fun like I used to in HS and own unique style that helped me stand out.  Now I wear what most mormon mom's wear and I think I just blend right in.  I DO want to create an amazing garden, and this year I'm going to do what it takes!  and I'd LOVE to drive a vespa, hopefully after we get this house built and get Truman into school I'll get one!  There are so many side dreams of the woman I always wanted to be during my mom years and I've sat them aside to focus on momming, or to blend in, but that's not who I ever was for the first 20 years of my life.  So 20 years of standing out, 20 years of blending in, and now it's time to stand out again.
I'm also realizing thatI'm too focused on my weight.  I'm so tired of carrying around all of this extra weight, but I let it determine my mood for the day.  If I'm down a pound, Im the fun, crazy mom, if I'm up a pound, we clean...and we clean all day unless you play outside...without your mom.  I know this won't be an easy fix, but it's GOT to be fixed. I watched a darling commercial from Kay Jewelry about these 3 or 4 couples.  It went through their whole love story from beginning until now, when they have kids...and they talked about how they still have to connect now that they have kids.  The men spoke of how lucky they are when they spot their wife from across a busy room and think "how did I get so lucky that she chose me?!"...and I loved that these men felt this way about these women, but it was mostly because they were all overweight except for one...and the one had a skinny husband, and the other 3 had chubby husbands. I just feel like it should match up, and I'm big and Jase is tiny so I carry so much focus on my weight because I feel so. uncomfortable being with him.  Wish me luck!