Memory Card Crowning....

I've been begging J to bring my memory card back home fro the last couple of weeks, and I have it now, so hopefully I can start adding pictures to my posts.  THIS WEEK!
But none for right now...so I'm going to express feelings.
Yes, this week I've cried enough to last for the rest of the year.  Hopefully I can cut it out.  Between my 2 great friend's losing their babies and today's stake conference, with, NO LIE, the most amazing musical number EVER.....my tear ducts are dry, I'm super tired, and my head will hurt tomorrow.  Bill of coarse got thrown back into the stake presidency.  I think he's been flip flopped between stake presidency and bishopric since I've known him.  I was talking with Jase earlier this week before we knew that Bill was being put in the stake presidency, and I said, he really can't be put anywhere else.  He's over qualified. He's gotta keep moving up. I just hope in 7-10 years when he's done with this calling that he doesn't have to move to Utah.

Now for my feelings.  Honestly, inside I'm a wreck right now.  luckily I'm super great at hiding my real feelings.  I'm super honest and blunt with my opinions, but I'm great at hiding what I'm really feeling.  I'm so freaking freaking freaking SCARED to deliver.  My friend has a site called "birthing without fear".  I read it all the time, and feel relieved for a moment, then go back to my nighttime anxiety and thoughts of a huge head crowning....of bloody (literally) breastfeeding months, of afterbirth contractions, of NO SLEEP piled on top of this and trying to be a calm, sweet mom for 4 other kids.  FREAKS ME OUT! I need a nanny...no no no, I need a dry nurse and a surrogate mother.  Too late I guess.  I'm scared, and at times depressed about all of it.  Which I was with Pearcen and a bit with Boston, not thinking I really wanted to do this again, but I know the second I see her and hold her, I'll be so grateful for it all.  But this are my honest feelings during the last few months of pregnancy.  ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, SUPER LACK OF CONFIDENCE, and  SCARED TO FREAKING DEATH!!!!!!!!!

There, there it is.

Now on the upside, I can't wait to get this next month over with and not be the hugest ever and so uncomfortable, and waddlely and unable to run and start working on the all over body jiggle.  Hopefully baby Stella is as good of a baby as this 2 year old has been.  I'm also so sad to not have him be my 2 year old. I felt this with Boston too. I spent the last month just sitting and holding boston on the couch. I hate when the baby isn't the baby anymore.  I want an extra set of arms to hold them both...actually 4 extra sets for all of em.  My kids are all at amazing stages right now, and I love em!!!!!!  and LIKE EM!  They're cool, and funny, and too cute to be mine!      A few weeks ago Boston asked me to  open my mouth, so I did, and he came over and yelled into my mouth, "Stella, GET OUT!!!!".  ha.  They're all so excited for the new baby.  I hope the older 2 are ready to change diapers.