Friday, February 17, 2012

Grateful

This week has been miserable.  And not for reasons that they usually are during the last 2-3 weeks of pregnancy.  I actually don't feel to uncomfortable, I can touch my toes, my hips aren't killing and I have only had a handful of leg cramps.  THis week has been emotionally miserable.  I'll start with the minor things.  DELIVERY ANXIETY!  It definitely gets worse with each baby.  I think because each delivery gets harder, and the post partum stuff gets worse...not depression, but post partum contractions, breastfeeding, bleeding, and that dumb stuff.  But seems the more I read about delivery, and trying to figure out ways to endure paine the more scared I get.  Especially when the article says, "and after transition pain, you'll feel a stinging or sometimes described as burning as the head crowns".  FLASHBACKS!  I wake up so much at night thinking about delivery, and of coarse every few minutes of the day. I just can't wait for it to be over with and be healed.
2nd, Valentines day.  We're not romantic, or flirty, or lovey anymore.  Each year it gets a little more weak.  Although he did put together a beautiful bouquet with red and pink, my favorite bouquet that I've ever had.  But as far as us being flirty and having young energy....gone.
But Valentines was the worst day ever because 2 seriously super amazing girls both lost their babies, so I pretty much cried all day.....all week....still crying.
Justy and Lissy have been trying for I believe 4 or 5 years, and she was 21, I think, weeks with her sweet baby girl. I've never IN MY LIFE been so excited for someone to be pregnant (including my own).   I know it happened for a reason, I just really don't understand it.   I can't EVEN begin to understand what they are going through, and I hate not knowing what I can do to help.
My cousin Monika, who has been trying for either 8 or 10 years also lost her baby girl on Valentines.  She was due a few days before me and it's been so much fun keeping in touch with her about our pregnancies and how ready we are.  She delivered her beautiful baby girl on Wedensday and was able to hold her and take a few pictures.
Luckily both of these families understand Heavenly Father's plan for their sweet girls and know that they are an eternal family. But the earthly sorrow I'm sure, has been unbearable.
I've tried from the beginning to enjoy every moment of this, my last pregnancy.  But the last month or so, I've gotten annoyed by the constant hiccups, some of the fast, painful movements, and even the fact tha tI look horrible, but this week, I've been so grateful for each of those things.  So grateful for my previous 4 pregnancies.  I always feel so picked on in other areas of life, other areas that aren't important....money, location, looks, etc......but my trials are nothing.  I wish I could remember this every second of everyday.  It's so easy to recognize it when  you see others suffering with real challenges in life, and then to go back to whining the next moment.  This week has been filled with LOTS of "huggies" and kisses, and tickles and snuggles and kind words.  I know these girls WILL have babies here on earth. They are both made to be moms.   They are both blessed to start out with angels to watch over their families to guide them back.

Sweet Mihaeala and Jocelyn Grace

4 comments:

LuAnne said...

I've been thinking about Justin & Elissa since you told me :( Just breaks my heart.

RACHAEL said...

Oh no. We are so sad for Justin and Elissa. It must be so hard for them to see our babies. :( I wish there was something I could do to really help, but I know prayers and thoughtful words will hopefully help with the pain. I know Heavenly Father has a bigger plan for them that we just can't see. I hope we can see it soon!!!

alison said...

Oh that is so sad. My sister in law lost their first child and then had to deliver him at 7 months. My heart broke for them. I also felt guilty because I was still preg with our first child and I felt bad for ever complaining about anything with that pregnancy because I still had my child. My prayers are definitely with them, I can't even imagine how hard that would be. Beautiful post Kristal.

Michelle said...

Beautiful tribute! thanks for thinking about monika and her sweet baby! :)