Phoenix Zoo

Last week we FINALLY used our free zoo passes that we've had for about 3 years.  Aunt Elissa and Uncle Justin were in town so we asked them to come with us.  The weather was perfect, but the animals were boring.  Most of them were asleep or the exhibits were closed.  But we did catch a zoo lady with a hedgehog.  It was really cool, but we couldn't touch it.

 Um, a cute little head popped into my view for this shot.

 And then that cute littel head tried to fit into this tiger's mouth.

 Boston was also the star student last week, so we got to take Freedom Bear everywhere with us.  Even into the petting zoo to pet the goats.

 Pearcen could have stayed in there all day with his little hand brush.  HE LOVED IT!!!! Almost as much as Kamryn, who I failed to get a picture of.  She's an animal freak!

 I felt this kangaroo's pain all day being 9 months pg.

 They kids LOVED getting to hang out with Justy and Lissy, wish we could do it more often.

Memory Card Crowning....

I've been begging J to bring my memory card back home fro the last couple of weeks, and I have it now, so hopefully I can start adding pictures to my posts.  THIS WEEK!
But none for right now...so I'm going to express feelings.
Yes, this week I've cried enough to last for the rest of the year.  Hopefully I can cut it out.  Between my 2 great friend's losing their babies and today's stake conference, with, NO LIE, the most amazing musical number EVER.....my tear ducts are dry, I'm super tired, and my head will hurt tomorrow.  Bill of coarse got thrown back into the stake presidency.  I think he's been flip flopped between stake presidency and bishopric since I've known him.  I was talking with Jase earlier this week before we knew that Bill was being put in the stake presidency, and I said, he really can't be put anywhere else.  He's over qualified. He's gotta keep moving up. I just hope in 7-10 years when he's done with this calling that he doesn't have to move to Utah.

Now for my feelings.  Honestly, inside I'm a wreck right now.  luckily I'm super great at hiding my real feelings.  I'm super honest and blunt with my opinions, but I'm great at hiding what I'm really feeling.  I'm so freaking freaking freaking SCARED to deliver.  My friend has a site called "birthing without fear".  I read it all the time, and feel relieved for a moment, then go back to my nighttime anxiety and thoughts of a huge head crowning....of bloody (literally) breastfeeding months, of afterbirth contractions, of NO SLEEP piled on top of this and trying to be a calm, sweet mom for 4 other kids.  FREAKS ME OUT! I need a nanny...no no no, I need a dry nurse and a surrogate mother.  Too late I guess.  I'm scared, and at times depressed about all of it.  Which I was with Pearcen and a bit with Boston, not thinking I really wanted to do this again, but I know the second I see her and hold her, I'll be so grateful for it all.  But this are my honest feelings during the last few months of pregnancy.  ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, SUPER LACK OF CONFIDENCE, and  SCARED TO FREAKING DEATH!!!!!!!!!

There, there it is.

Now on the upside, I can't wait to get this next month over with and not be the hugest ever and so uncomfortable, and waddlely and unable to run and start working on the all over body jiggle.  Hopefully baby Stella is as good of a baby as this 2 year old has been.  I'm also so sad to not have him be my 2 year old. I felt this with Boston too. I spent the last month just sitting and holding boston on the couch. I hate when the baby isn't the baby anymore.  I want an extra set of arms to hold them both...actually 4 extra sets for all of em.  My kids are all at amazing stages right now, and I love em!!!!!!  and LIKE EM!  They're cool, and funny, and too cute to be mine!      A few weeks ago Boston asked me to  open my mouth, so I did, and he came over and yelled into my mouth, "Stella, GET OUT!!!!".  ha.  They're all so excited for the new baby.  I hope the older 2 are ready to change diapers.

Grateful

This week has been miserable.  And not for reasons that they usually are during the last 2-3 weeks of pregnancy.  I actually don't feel to uncomfortable, I can touch my toes, my hips aren't killing and I have only had a handful of leg cramps.  THis week has been emotionally miserable.  I'll start with the minor things.  DELIVERY ANXIETY!  It definitely gets worse with each baby.  I think because each delivery gets harder, and the post partum stuff gets worse...not depression, but post partum contractions, breastfeeding, bleeding, and that dumb stuff.  But seems the more I read about delivery, and trying to figure out ways to endure paine the more scared I get.  Especially when the article says, "and after transition pain, you'll feel a stinging or sometimes described as burning as the head crowns".  FLASHBACKS!  I wake up so much at night thinking about delivery, and of coarse every few minutes of the day. I just can't wait for it to be over with and be healed.
2nd, Valentines day.  We're not romantic, or flirty, or lovey anymore.  Each year it gets a little more weak.  Although he did put together a beautiful bouquet with red and pink, my favorite bouquet that I've ever had.  But as far as us being flirty and having young energy....gone.
But Valentines was the worst day ever because 2 seriously super amazing girls both lost their babies, so I pretty much cried all day.....all week....still crying.
Justy and Lissy have been trying for I believe 4 or 5 years, and she was 21, I think, weeks with her sweet baby girl. I've never IN MY LIFE been so excited for someone to be pregnant (including my own).   I know it happened for a reason, I just really don't understand it.   I can't EVEN begin to understand what they are going through, and I hate not knowing what I can do to help.
My cousin Monika, who has been trying for either 8 or 10 years also lost her baby girl on Valentines.  She was due a few days before me and it's been so much fun keeping in touch with her about our pregnancies and how ready we are.  She delivered her beautiful baby girl on Wedensday and was able to hold her and take a few pictures.
Luckily both of these families understand Heavenly Father's plan for their sweet girls and know that they are an eternal family. But the earthly sorrow I'm sure, has been unbearable.
I've tried from the beginning to enjoy every moment of this, my last pregnancy.  But the last month or so, I've gotten annoyed by the constant hiccups, some of the fast, painful movements, and even the fact tha tI look horrible, but this week, I've been so grateful for each of those things.  So grateful for my previous 4 pregnancies.  I always feel so picked on in other areas of life, other areas that aren't important....money, location, looks, etc......but my trials are nothing.  I wish I could remember this every second of everyday.  It's so easy to recognize it when  you see others suffering with real challenges in life, and then to go back to whining the next moment.  This week has been filled with LOTS of "huggies" and kisses, and tickles and snuggles and kind words.  I know these girls WILL have babies here on earth. They are both made to be moms.   They are both blessed to start out with angels to watch over their families to guide them back.

Sweet Mihaeala and Jocelyn Grace

My kamryn.....

Today the boys are up north...it's just Kam, Pearcen and me.   We started out with some yard sells, then off to Rylee's baptism, and her brother's blessing, then over to Cafe Rio, down to Ikea, over to the Chandler Mall, Target, and then Paradise on our way home.  It's been a great day, but we were both excited to get home, get changed and relax.  I decided I'd ask kam a few questions to see how things are for her right now..



Favorite Food:  Your food, all of it! (Ahh, I love her)
Favorite Sport to play: Basketball
The best show on T.V.:  Too cute (about baby animals on animal planet)
The coolest person on earth is:  Jaden (who counts as Justin Beiber), you (mom) My favorite thing to learn about is: art
The thing I do most awesomely is: be awesome to my brothers.
If I could go anywhere in the world, I'd go to: Russia, cause I wanna learn their language.
My favorite color is: violet
When I grow up, I'm going o be a: veterinarian
My favorite  song right now is:  Eenie meenie  by Justin Beiber
The book I love to read right now is: The scriptures
Three words that describe me are: cool,  nice and sometimes grouchy.
When I was little, I used to:  be chubby and my mom used to pinch my cheeks.
My favorite season of the year is: fall
The absolute best thing about camping is: making smores
The snack I like best is: yogurt
One food that I really DON"T like is:  some kinds of salads.
My best friend is:  Airami and Faely
If I had one wish it would be: to be back in JOseph City
My best memory is:  when we used to live in TExas because of the memory books with all the pictures.

just a little more...

Figured I'd share what each kid has been up to.  

Pearcen...HUGEST news of the house...potty trained.  The dude comes in about once an hour and says, "pee pee" or "poop" or "potty" and bam, he goes.  It's awesome.  Our older 3 all trained at 3 and a half years, so to have one train at 2 and a few months is so cute.  The little tiny bummy in the undies is everyone's favorite around here.

Boston...he mostly tells us how tired school makes him. I have him home today for the 2nd day in a row.  It's kindergarten.  It's fine.  He spends his days making Pearcen happy, not putting his clothes away, and saying hilarious sweet things to everyone.

Kamryn...she had her big music program last night...which sadly I had to watch on the phone since BOston was already asleep.  But she did AWESOME.  She has such talent in music and dance. I love it.  All she's been talking about the last couple of weeks are the butterflies/larvas that her class has had in the classroom.  They released the butterflies into the wild yesterday though, so we'll probably  move on to the next subject soon.  She did the sweetest thing this morning though....she had $54 at Target from a Christmas gift that she took back.  She's been saving it and saving it, waiting till she finds something awesome.  Jaden has been looking for a pogo stick at yard sales for the last month and has had no luck...or on craigslist.  So he decided to start saving....but Kam went ahead and ordered him one today.  SO SWEET, especially since for the last 2 days they have spent at least 2 hours a day out back together learning to work together because they've been so mean to each other.  They surprise me all the time.


Jaden....he's been of coarse on a mad hunt for a pogo stick.  But other than that, he's getting ready to start soccer, which he LOVES and is so good at.  He's perfected his moonwalk...which I have to say is SUPER impressive....almost Michael Jackson level...no lie.  He spends most of his time outside.  He's never liked TV much, but he LVOES his new rip rider, LOVES Boston's power wheels, and LOVES his bike that he bought from Jase.    Yesterday however he spent a good hour out back alone kicking the football....he claims football is dumb, but I think he's got some friends that are slowly changing his mind.  He's an awesome kid and it's so great to finally have one at the age of realizing it's easier to just CLEAN your room the first time, rather than shove stuff in the closet, behind the dressser or behind the door, then pick them up when mom is mad.  It's awesome!

coolest kids

So, it's a well known fact that I have the freaking COOLEST kids ever.  Yestserday we took pics of them for their valentines.  They decided to do these fun dip  ones that have their pictures on them, so I put these together and ordered 70 fun dips.  ugh!

Boston fell asleep right after school, so we'll have to get his pictures today.  But Boss just came up to me and breathed in my face (he brushed his teeth for a good 5 minutes) and asked, "Do i have Dragon breath??".  He's awesome!!!!

My Happy

Ok, so I'm depressed about how huge I am, but I've been craving my friends Melt-a-ways for weeks now and just got the recipe.  Made them, got myself sick in about 10 minutes, and put the rest on plates and gave them away.  But they are my all time favorite!! MY FAVORITE!!!!!!  They're super similar to Nanaimo Bars.  Not such a custardy middle filling.  So good though.

3/4 cp butter
3 T cocoa
1 T oil
1/4 cp sugar
2 tsp vanilla
1 egg beaten
3 cps graham cracker crumb, not the crappy premade crumbs
1 tsp milk
2 cps powdered sugar
6 oz milk chocolate chips

Directions:
1. Crush graham cracker crumbs
2. Melt 1/2 cp butter in large sauce pan with cocoa and oil. 
3. Blend sugar, 1 tsp vanilla, egg and graham cracker crumbs into butter chocolate mixture.
4. Mix thoroughly, cool a little and press into a 9x9 pan. Put it in the freezer, while making the middle layer.
5.Cream 1/4 cp butter, 1 tsp milk, powdered sugar and 1 tsp vanilla, mix.
6. Spread over base mixture and put in the freezer to harden.
7. Melt chocolate chips and drizzle all over the middle layer, immediately cutting into small bite-size peices (I recommend a pizza cutter and a knife). If this is not done quickly the meltaways will look like a huge mess. Refrigerate or freeze until hard. Enjoy!

Surprise!

So, I don't mind parties that are about me. I'll be honest. I know everyone always says, "I hate having birthday parties" or "I don't like parties that are about me".  Well, I do...but I don't like surprise ones when I'm over 200 pounds...which obviously, I am!   

These pictures make me super happy and super super depressed. I LOVE everyone that came and I love going to girls nights.  But when I saw my face and chins and old eyes and huge saggy boobs in these pictures, I mostly starred for a good half hour and cried.  UGH!  Here I am again...the beginning of the hard road back to normal size and through nursing...the hardest part of having a kid for me.  ugh!  But it was a great night and I had tons of fun and got SO many adorable ruffley outfits for Stella.  I'm so glad I have so many awesome friends with super cute taste...not to mention all the hand made shiz.  Come on Ashley, Dani and Lanae!   So cute!

 Kam got to sneak into the big girl's night.  She was a gem.  Started out the night by dishing dirt on her dad, but ended the night asleep on my lap.  Love her!

 She kinda started to get excited for a baby girl when she saw the cupcake outfit.

 The awesome Gutt girls that threw the shindig.  Looking as 20 as ever.

Some of the most fantastic girls from the new ward (I'm counting you two Pam and Trish...you know where you  belong)

 Ever buddy. 

 Um, Trish brought her amazingly adorable Archer.  I want one!!!!!

 And yes, this is the reason Kam and I eat at Chili's...red velvet molten lava baby!

 BETHANY!!!!!   I hate hate this picture mostly cause I look horrendous, but I love it cause I love her and miss her little tiny (seriously tiny) guts! Um, and my favorite hair EVER (hers...defaintely not mine!)

 Ahh, and my girls that do a fine job at making me feel less 30's.

It was a fantastic night, motivational, fun, and now I feel ready to get this kid OUT!!!!!!