Sunday, April 15, 2012

Honesty

Today Beth Glen gave the lesson in RS.  My favorite!  She's fantastic.  She's a mother of 9 super sweet adorable kids and seems to have things under control.  She goes to the temple every week, she's super fit, always smiling, has time to put together a great RS lesson, and has a clean garage (one thing the Mulders have NEVER had).  But she talked about how she is valuing each event with her kids because these baptisms of her older kids are so great because she has her younger kids there, but when it's time to baptize these younger kids, her older kids will be on missions and such.  I thought about that, and luckily Jaden will be 18 when Vivvy is baptized, but it made me realize that I'm taking all of these other family events and activities for granted.  WE just got back from the park where we sat under a tree in this perfect weather and had family council.  We set goals for ourselves on what we can do this week to be a happier family.  it always helps when we do this.  Jaden's goal is to not ask "whhhhyy!!?"  after we ask him to do things.   Kamryn's goal is to do her chores first thing in the morning rather than stand around (that's her thing) and freak out right before it's time to go to school that her chores aren't done.  Boston's goal is to stop fighting...which means stop starting wrestling matches with his brother where he always ends up crying and enraged with his brother.  My goal, to hug and kiss everyone more...especially Jase.  I hug and kiss the kids all day, especially the younger 2, but I need to do it more to my older 4.  Jase's goal is to be more conscious of what needs to be done around the house. (yay!).    But I LOVED sitting under the tree, with a few bags of cut apples, a case of strawberries, some peanut butter and some cool whip and  my little family of 7.  I'm dreading the day Jaden leaves us and we're one less under the tree.  Or even the day that one of the older kids has somewhere else to be than under the tree with us.  ugh!  STOP GROWING KIDS!!! STOP!!!!!


Another great point that was brought up today during Sunday school was when Sister Poulsen pointed out that she kept a good journal all through her life, except the first 8 years of having kids because she kept great journals for them, and had no time to write about her own feelings and thoughts, and she said, she wishes she would have because she had so much on her mind during those years.  And I realize, I HAVE written about myself, but not for a while, and especially not sincere feelings, and although this is a public blog, I'm known to hold nothing back, so here it is.
Right now in life, I'm slowly bouncing back from my all time low.  I know, I know, I didn't show it, unless you look back through the blog, and realize the things I've done over the last year.  Not been the funnest mom, or done fun things with friends much, just not my usual self.  Last year was A HARD  year for Jase and I.  A hard year finically, which of coarse made it a hard year with our marriage, and mostly a hard year for me personally.  I was so content in my Joseph City House.  I imagined being able to raise my kids there through high school like my parents did.  I LOVED cooking in that kitchen. I loved the light it brought in, I loved the huge living room where the kids and I could run a crossed it and dance. I loved having my dad come over once a week for Mr. G's, and I LOVED having so much space around us, and chickens, and our buried trampoline, and our 3 apple trees that we planted, along with all the other great fruit trees around our lot.  I was happy.  And I remember when we had to move, I just kept sinking lower and lower.  We first moved to mom and dad's house, which was hard, I still soaked up living in my sweet little small town, but I missed my big, white, bright house.  Then the big move to the valley.  I cried most of the way down.  which I proceeded to do until, well, still am.  But for the first couple of months I sat behind our couch and cried and cried.  I thought we were done with the city for good.  I thought, "we made it, we moved to the country in time to raise the kids"....but here we are, in the midst of raising our kids and back in the city, living the city life.  ugh.  Still hoping to get out, but I'm trying to focus on the good of the city.  I LOVE being able to see my sisters every week, and my nieces.  It's great to have so many places to chose from for dates.  I love that I can chose which type of dance and sports my kids are in year round, rather than seasonal sports and clogging (although< I LOVE clogging).  Right now I'm also super depressed about my hugeness.  I know, I just had a baby, I'm so tired of hearing that.  Unless you are 45 pounds above your pre pregnancy weight when your baby is a month old, I don't wanna hear it from you.    Especially out here.  I LOVE our ward.  Fantastic ward, super friends, and unbelievably full of service, but the whole city of Gilbert needs to get more fat people.  Everyone is so super fit, and big perky surgically enhanced parts, and the latest that drives me insane, the fake eyelashes.  I miss when that was just for the over glamorized hollywood girls, now it's every other girl you see.  Of coarse I'm jealous of all of this, which brings me to my point.   It makes those of us that don't want to ever do that stuff, feel ugly, even though the ones that do would look just as "bad" (normal) or worse than the rest of us if they didn't.  Ugh, I don't 'know.  I'm just tired of women not letting their bodies do what they're supposed to.  I wish I could set aside a little area of the world for those with only God given features and another spot, a LARGE spot for those who have had some help.  And yea, i wear make up, of coarse, but I think everyone I know has seen me w/o.  and yea, i wear a push up bra, but seriously, even when I was super fit, and had on my push up bra, I still looked weak in comparison to those with the jelly filled bags.     There's my .2 on that subject.

Now back to my own happiness.  I think getting this baby out has helped a ton, which I was nervous for.  I was nervous that with the heat picking up right as I got her out that I'd turn miserabler (a word?) .  But luckily the weather has been great, so I've had some time to recoup before the death heat hits.   And I've already planned to spend a few weeks up north during the summer (which has ALWAYS been my least favorite season, no matter where we live).   But I'm back to being happy with my place in life...obviosuly NOT my physical place in life, but my place as a mom and wife and sister and person.   I feel like I have lost all control over having a clean house, and have learned that everyone's kids fight, and talk back.  So we've (Jase and I) have decided to just be laid back with it all. I t's going to happen, it's part of the phase of life we're in right now, and it does no good to push against it.   So for now, I cook, I clean, I hug, I smile and sometimes, not often, I sleep.

7 comments:

alison said...

Aww Kristal, I love you, I am so sorry it has been a rough year, it sounds like you are doing better with things. Hopefully you will like it more and more and in regards to the physical stuff, you are only going to get healthier and smaller, I know you and you are completely amazing with the whole healthy lifestyle thing, sure it won't happen by tomorrow, but before you know it a few months will have passed and you will be there along with a gorgeous gorgeous baby to show for it. I love how real you are Kristal, I only have 2 kiddos, but it isn't always good times, there are times where I feel like I will explode if they fight for one more second. Like you said, it is all part of life, and those stages will pass. I love that you had family council under a shady tree today, that is so cool!

Trezise Momma said...

I love how honest you are. It makes me feel so much better when I am thinking the same exact things you are. I think you are awesome.

K Bailey said...

Loved your post. I struggle with my own "real" thoughts on my blog too.

Are people in your ward really wearing fake eyelashes? Or just Gilbert in general? UGH!

Tamee said...

Can I get an "AMEN". Maybe I'm just jealous of the the fake body parts, but it doesn't make for a fair playing field, when we women compare ourselves to each other. Okay I am jealous! I think about how difficult it is for us right now with all the enhancements and time used to improve ones outer self. How much more difficult it will be for my girls who are growing up in this crazy world of what to me is an unrealistic expectation?

Kristal said...

no, it's not just my ward. I LOVE my ward, and yea, there are a few fake parts in my ward, defaintely, but it seems like everywhere out here. When we lived in Surprise, there wasn't near this many perkys or flaulsies, but it's insane out here. I don't even like to go grocery shopping. I've gotta just learn to not compare, and not let it effect myself esteem that every other girl my age with 5 kids out there has boobs up to their neck that are perfectly round and they haven't lost all of their hair or eyelashes. I still have great eyes, and nice fingernail and toenail beds (I've been told). Focus on that for the next 60 years. ha!

Thanks guys, glad to know I'm not alone here.

scooping it up said...

every single person has ugliness in their life that has brought them to their knees to need Jesus. Even that mom of nine who seems together? she has horrible demons to fight. just like you. and me. and everyone. We don't talk about them in church because we have to be happy and pretty and coordinate with our kids and have grey's anatomy hair. BTW, anyone who has five kids with great boobs has had work done. and it's hard to know how to feel about that. jealous and disgusted all at the same time, right? -- Kristal. I really understand that low, and I am sorry you were living your dream and had to leave it. I would be devastated too. Sending love, empathy, and wish I could come over and laugh with you. -- I have terrible, hideous toes, and toenail beds. I mean, seriously messed up toes. Not even pedicures help. They are just ugly. And I have saggy horrible boobs. And life is hard. Love you girl.

Laura said...

You need to come visit me in Arkansas!!! You'll leave feeling great about yourself:)