Today i watched this video and I cried the entire way through. not like weep weep….like wiping tears every couple of seconds and runny nose. I want my girls to feel good about themselves because they ARE so beautiful and amazing. But I have NEVER felt uglier in my life than I do this year. I've let it become so consuming that I can hardly enjoy my life. I am constantly thinking, "I'm so fat, nothing fits me anymore", "This hair cut looks like a mix between Dora and an Ooompa Loompa". "I'm getting so old and out of shape", "My lips are getting smaller, nose bigger and eyes wrinklier". I do believe I have a messed up sense of self perseption, but I don't know how to change it. When others give me compliments, I hate it. I feel uncomforatble and I feel like they are ALWAYS lies…no matter who says them. It consumes my thoughts so much that it wears me out and makes it hard to do my hair or make up or get dressed each day. I DO NOT want my girls to feel this way about themselves.
Just figured I'd post a real mom moment on here. 90% of my life is cuddles, books, cooking, cleaning and playing cars or fake food….all of the things I love. But I figured I should also put the way I feel at this time in my life. Hopefully this short time in my life. Hopefully with help from my Heavenly Father, and maybe some counceling, I can feel great about myself again. There are a lot of factors I've tried to blame it on…..Lack of sleep….small husband….LOTS of women with amazing bods (whether they got some surgical help or not) with kids around me out here…A closet full of clothes that are 1-2 sizes to small, thinking a year ago that I'd for sure fit into them by now….photoshopped girls in my magazines….etc….but no matter what< i'm in charge of feeling how I feel about myself…those things should have the control to make me feel like crap about the way I look…but right now…they all do.