Things...

So I always write about crap we're doing, but right now I'm going to write about crap about me.

I listen to classical music 99% of the time. in the car.  It doesn't make us smarter, it doesn't make us more calm, but I've grown to really LOVE it while I experimented with those 2 things.  In fact, there was a song called Meditation
 and for some reason, when it came on, I wept,  yup, I wept.  I've always been one to feel more during music than through anything else.  At church I feel the spirit more if there is a musical number, at movies, I feel the music during dramatic moments, and I realize it's more during straings and piano numbers....hence my easy persuasion for Jaden to play cello and Kam to do piano.  Someday...someday they will be my witto witto musicians making me weep and making crowds cheer! 

I don't like living here.  Yup, there, I know many were confused about weather I did or didn't', and I don't. I try, and I pray and i try some more, but it's just not clicking.  And I know, learn to be happy where you are.  I'm trying.  I honestly am.  I'm trying to find the perks of city living.  Movies, a lot more movies...and restaurants.  Both things I never complained about in JC, but both things I'm taking advantage of here.  Amazing ward!  I do love this ward.  It's amazing, inspiring, serving and um, way too beautiful.  I really do love my friends in the ward...a lot.  I don't feel like I have any close close friends, but I love every woman I know.   More classes for the kids...I have taken advantage of this...and I feel like from 3pm on I LIVE in the car and am never home in time to make dinner and as much as I LOVE crock pot dinners, I don't like them every night.  I just feel like life has gotten so busy, a lot less laid back, and a lot more tiring.  I've vowed to simplify.  TO cut out as much extra as I can and to not add extras where I don't need to.  I have removed most apps from my phone (I hate that I even have a phone), and now, this week I'm having J block me from FB so I can do productive things again. I have about a dozen half finished super fun projects around the house...I MUST get them done before 2013!  3 quilts, a dollhouse, 2 framed sayings (gotta paint the frames, and get glass cut) hang pictures on our master wall, sand and paint outdoor table, paint piano and finish 2010's blog book!

I take a year to make my closest friends.  With one exception, Jana.  We became friends quickly, but the rest of my closest friends, I knew them a year or more before we really became friends.  I'm not a snob I'm so completely insecure around other women.  I am learning that as ugly or as fat or as weird as I feel, whoever I'm talking to probably knows someone uglier, or fatter or weirder, so I'm ok to just talk, open up.  However, this last year is a huge exception.  This last year, I felt like my whole world crashed.  honestly, 2006-2009, I was on top of the world. I woke up in the morning and WANTED to get out of bed and get going, I accomplished super fun, meaningful things each day, we got a long as a family, as a couple.  We had 95% of our meals at home as a family.  The day had enough hours.  I went to bed with a  smile on my face.  This last year. I wake up crying most mornings. I  can't wait to go to bed.  I feel like I got nothing done.  I feel like I failed as a parent each day. I can't lose weight this year, I earned twice as many wrinkles in 9 months as I had in the previous 32 years.  I'm tense inside at all times.  But I am learning to love my friends more.  My visiting teaching partner right now is amazing, inspiring and so completely the opposite of me.  I really hope she rubs off on me.  She's perky, sweet, positive, beautiful, skinny, super patient mother and not sarcastic AT ALL!

I love my kids.   I know, most every mom loves her kids.  But seriously, on these seemingly smile less days, every single one of my kids has a way to put a smile on my face...even if they just drove me completely insane 2 minutes prior.  They're amazing.  We have a book called "taking a bath with the dog"...it's been my kid's favorite for years, and Pearcen just heard it for the first time today and has been asking me what makes me happy. I've told him, when he makes Vivian smile, Target, popcorn, cuddling.  And I asked him, and he said, "you".  I just love his guts.


For now, that's all I'm sharing about me...mostly because it's time to snap costumes on the 5 kids and get to Chipotle for $2 burritos!